About Consideration
Inner adjustments
Consideration comes from the Latin word consideratio and means deliberation or reflection, but also adaptation, flexibility, or concession. It’s an inner attitude that we encounter in situations. However, there are two kinds of consideration, and the difference between them is significant. There’s a conscious and an unconscious form.
First, let’s address the common unconscious form of consideration, which we call internal consideration.
Internal consideration
We all know it: we meet someone, start a conversation, and then that person says something we don’t like or disagree with. That person might appear aggrieved or arrogant, but not necessarily. We might also not understand someone’s attitude. Our initial reaction is a negative feeling. Then we respond with defensive words, or by explaining why that person is wrong. Opposition arises. A discussion ensues. We feel increasingly uncomfortable, get irritated when faced with opposition, or even become angry. We lose our inner peace and might feel aggrieved. We’ve adjusted internally to something that wasn’t an issue moments before. This change can happen in an instant. As we continue on our way, we no longer feel as we did before the conversation. Our peace is disrupted, and in our minds, we repeatedly go over the conversation. For example, we might think of compelling arguments that didn’t occur to us earlier (due to our agitation). The result is that we find ourselves in an inner world we didn’t ask for, completely losing the present moment. We’ve simply let our peace and quiet be taken away, mistakenly thinking we were “staying true to ourselves”. Many interactions between people, for instance on social media, display this internal consideration. They often turn into a kind of debating “arm wrestling”.
Action reaction
How did this happen? Well, we internally adjusted – to someone else’s attitude or words, or how we interpreted them – and experienced shock, insecurity, annoyance, or even resistance. We might adopt another person’s grievance, get upset by what they said, and react defensively, or oppose a situation we dislike. Through internal consideration, we lose ourselves. It’s an unconscious mental mechanism we allow to happen because we aren’t consciously experiencing the situation – we aren’t self-remembering. We allow ourselves to lose our inner anchor. It happens due to a form of identification: identifying with whatever is coming at us in that moment. We get hooked. Another’s attitude or words trigger us, and we fully engage, not realizing at that moment that we’re losing ourselves. Identification switches off our inner wisdom. Internal consideration is the mental foundation for projections.
Pretense and imagination
Another example of internal consideration is when we compare ourselves to others. We might feel good about our situation until someone else, with whom we identify or have a relationship, shows us that they seem to “have it better”, have more than we do, appear smarter, or in any way outdo us. The identification-based “value” we thought we had seems to be negated. We feel diminished and unconsciously want to compensate to continue feeling good. We want to stay in our comfort zone. Even debates can trigger this mechanism. It’s better to argue than to accept that someone else might have a point.
Then, we internally adjust by trying to appear better, hoping to be more highly regarded by others. We hope to rediscover our inner anchor, which won’t happen with these ego-driven attempts. Imagination or pretense is the driving force. The popular and hilarious English series Keeping Up Appearances is entirely built on the main female character’s internal consideration. In short, we adjust to a presumed inner perception or judgment of someone else, causing us to stray far from ourselves. As this fun series shows, this can easily lead to trouble.
External consideration
This is a different story. Here too, we consider, but consciously. We adjust out of understanding for another and for the situation we’re in. However, even this form has different degrees of consciousness in which it occurs. Politeness and etiquette are mostly based on conditioning and thus aren’t often practiced very consciously. But more conscious external consideration helps us stay true to ourselves. It helps us become more resilient internally. Its effect and outcome are completely opposite to those of internal consideration. Our consideration is focused on the overall well-being in a situation, including ourselves, but not primarily on ourselves. We consciously (so, alertly) observe our surroundings and notice much more; including others’ needs, no matter how minor or insignificant. We notice that someone’s negative attitude or behavior is based on some need or personal trauma we’re unaware of. If we don’t perceive this as “opposition” but as an opportunity to understand the other, we remain internally anchored and lose the urge to automatically consider internally, which we would have inevitably done otherwise. And then we would have lost ourselves…
A good example is the queue at the checkout in the supermarket. Internal consideration will urge us to secure the best spot by ignoring others, and if someone cuts us off, we might even get agitated, and thus further drift from ourselves.
External consideration lets us do what’s best in that situation. It might mean letting someone go ahead or helping someone. We act out of a sense of connection with others. We experience unity. Our inner eyes are wide open.
Another example is when we don’t ignore, reject, or contradict someone who is considering internally, and we don’t yet know what’s behind the person opposing us. We increasingly view everything as a “game”. If we see internal consideration in another, we ourselves, from our intent, immediately engage in external consideration, decreasing our own tendency to consider internally. This “staying true to oneself” can only positively affect the situation, regardless of its further progression. Sometimes it might not be possible to neutralize another’s internal consideration, but the tension won’t escalate because, for instance, their projection of inner discontent no longer affects us. All of this doesn’t come from a misguided sense of invulnerability, but from the desire for unity and the wish not to lose ourselves.
Following
Here, it’s important to keep an eye on our internal attitude. Playing the good guy is a lurking danger. This is an ego that’s keen on taking credit for our external consideration because it identifies with it. We must realize that we’re primarily practicing consideration for others for our own sake, as external consideration inherently excludes internal consideration. It dispels unconsciousness by shedding conscious light (inner light) on situations and then doing the only right thing at that moment. There’s no longer doubt about our attitude or action. Doubt etymologically derives from the concept of Two (originating from Sanskrit: dvaita) and thus represents inner division.
If we want to become as permanently external considerate as possible without neglecting ourselves, we will need to remember ourselves and learn a lot by giving up and following. This means responding to situations instead of wanting to will or force things.
Internal consideration can be recognized within ourselves through mental states and actions that we describe with reflexive verbs, such as: annoying oneself, feeling ashamed, feeling embarrassed, imagining, pretending, and so on.
For example: ‘I annoy myself with something’. Upon closer inspection, we immediately recognize the division in our mind, with the ‘I’ – as the subject – and the ‘myself’ – as the direct object – being annoyed. Two instances of ‘I’! So when we annoy ourselves, we do it ourselves. The ‘something’ here is merely an indirect object, only serving as a trigger for us to engage in internal consideration, through which we, for example, ‘annoy ourselves’.
Not all reflexive verbs stem from internal consideration. They don’t necessarily have to be restrictive, such as delighting oneself or wondering. But they always arise from a reaction to ‘something’ (outside us).
External consideration can be practiced abundantly as soon as we decide not to indulge in the tendency to consider internally. By observing this tendency within us, understanding it, and re-evaluating it as no longer desirable, the possibility arises to act connectively from a ‘sustainable I and Will’ (which arises from our Magnetic Center). We then connect with ourSelves and with others in the given situation.
Good situations to observe our tendency for internal consideration and to practice our external consideration are traffic situations and debates!
There exists a beautiful anecdote in the Zen tradition. It describes the untouched state of mind of someone truly awakened, who neutrally observes with complete external consideration (without even a moment of internal consideration):
“Is that so?”
In a remote village, surrounded by hills and forests, lived a young monk named Koji. He dedicated his simple life to meditation and prayer. His presence was respected by the villagers, who often sought him out for advice and blessings.
But one day, a rumor spread through the village. A young woman became pregnant and claimed that the monk was the father. The news hit like a bombshell, causing much excitement and outrage. The villagers were shocked and angry. They went to the monk and confronted him with many accusations. But Koji remained calm amidst all the commotion. “Is that so?” was his only response.
Read the full legend here
